Recently, I recorded a new YouTube video. It's about using tropes in creative writing and it was a lot of fun to prepare and to make.
However, I got stuck in the editing phase.
You see, I and video editing are not really best friends. There are aspects of it that I enjoy and there are things about it that make it fun. But mostly, I find it tedious and, tbh, kind of hate doing it.
It's fun but also, it's not really fun. It's fun to have an idea about how something could look and it's fun to see it done-ish 6 hours later. Those six hours, however, are not fun.
So I decided to post a few stories on my Instagram about that and ask the good people who follow me on there if anyone knows anyone. You know how it goes.
Except, here's the thing.
I already asked this before, months ago. Maybe even a year or two ago. I don't really remember. I know it was on Substack.
At that time, I got a share or two from the kind people who are not video editors but wanted to help me find one.
But I didn't hear anything from anyone. Which is fine, I thought, I will just keep editing my videos myself; it will take as long as it takes and it will be as well as I can do it.
Until a couple of days ago, when, as I mentioned, I inquired about any video editor recommendations or contacts on Instagram again.
And something about that felt. Just. So. Bad.
Something about having to ask again, after all this time, for the same thing made me crumble and fall inside.
I felt like such a failure.
From this very simple thing that no one probably even noticed or gave two thoughts about.
I felt like it was the most humiliating thing that I was showing everyone how I haven't made any progress in [however long it was since I first asked about it].
Okay.
So there I was, with a huge pit in my stomach, feeling like a giant failure.
Like I failed.
Like I failed.
And now the question is:
What now?
What would I advise a friend or a client if they were in this situation?
What would I advise myself?
There are a few traditional approaches that are, in my own experience, not very helpful.
The first is trying to push this feeling aside, "pulling myself together" and just pushing through. That doesn't work for me.
The second is to try to tell myself that in the grand scheme of things, there is no such thing as a failure. This is something my intellectual mind knows, but my body doesn't understand. So it also doesn't work for me.
So what does work?
Well, first and foremost, to allow myself to feel however I'm feeling.
And to really focus on the feeling part of it. No assigning meanings, no jumping to conclusions, no assumptions, just feelings.
Just what IS, here and now, going through my body.
Then comes the release.
Release of old stories, old identities, everything I thought I should be or would be or could be.
It is the realisation that it is precisely this idea that I have a certain image or role to fulfill and trying to force myself into it that is the reason why I haven't made as much external progress as I thought I would.
I thought - and FELT - that I had to be at point A to be okay (aka having multiple successful videos with many views with a hired editor or having mastered editing on my own). In reality, I was at point B (having done the videos I had done, currently working on the video I am).
It is my own judgment of these two points that made me crumble and fall.
Acceptance of where I am and releasing ideas of where I "should be" is what brought relief.
And acceptance isn't some grandiose spiritual thing that requires some extra effort. Really, it's just allowing yourself to be where you are, and allowing everything to be as it is.
Then - and only then - can you work from that.
And work with that.
It is only after that that I can start to think about this. To reflect on the fact that of course, I am not a failure.
Or rather, maybe I am - so what? Who cares? Then work from there. Accept that you have failed at something - I wouldn't be the first nor the last - and go from there.
But I don't even think that. Because the truth is, I have made a lot of progress internally (not in views or numbers but in my energy and mindset).
And at the end of the day, there is no ultimate, objective assessment of success or failure.
It is all a matter of perspective and the criteria you yourself assign to what that means for you.
And as far as my YouTube channel goes, there are so so so many more options than just win-fail. Reframing how you see success or failure can do so much.
(For example, maybe I only get 2 views but these bring me two incredible people in my life. Maybe making a video inspires me to write a novel about something. Maybe, maybe, maybe.
You never know where a path leads you. Don't just assume that just because you made a step, you now HAVE TO walk in that same direction forever.
And don't assume what is success or failure because you never know what leads to what.)
But that's a topic for another day.
Thank you for reading my share 🙏
I hope it resonated in some way, even if it's just the thought that sometimes, the smallest and most random things can bring out strong feelings - and in those times, it's good to just allow those feelings to be there instead of judging them.
Until next time ❅
Katja
Thank you for being here.
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See you next week!
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